Grenade - Bruno Mars
Friday, January 8, 2010, 10:58 PM10 stories you won't read in 2010
-The Straits times, Saturday,January 9 2010 Page E18
1. James Cameron marries blue thingy
Avatar director believes human interaction is not as fulfilling as the alien interaction created by nerdy guys working in office cubicles in their Star Wars T-shirts.
He leaves his current wife for a 3m-tall blue, computer-generated alien.
She is programmed to shout "You are the king, you are the king" at regular intervals. Cameron also believes that our future is bigger in 3-D.
So his alien wife must always wear 3-D glasses in bed.
2. Farmville followers get spammed
Devotees of the Facebook game are persecuted for crimes against interesting people.
They are placed on a medical waiting list for a personality transplant. Facebook introduces software that sends automatic replies to anyone who posts a Farmville update.
When a geek sends the message "Mr Geek has just milked his first cow on Farmville", he gets 500 replies which say "We can hardly contain our indifference."
3. China admits Copenhagen was a bit of a gas
Chinese climate change delegates (an oxymoron there?) reveal that their shenanigans
at Copenhangen were all abit of a wheeze and the West just has to learn to appreciate
their dark sense of humour. They set immediate emissions targets, agree to reduce
their reliance on coal and encourage other countries such as Sudan to toe the line.
They then announce that their scientists have taught pigs to fly.
4. Simon Cowell hospitalised after self-strangulation
The American Idol judge narrowly escapes being asphyxiated by his own trousers.
The high waistband of his pants gets caught around his neck while he's taking another
gulp from that massive cup from the show's cola sponser. The belt tightens, the Coke
goes down the wrong hole and Cowell goes entire minutes without being able to speak.
The studio audience gives him a standing ovation.
5. Britney Spears lip-syncs everything
Singer Britney Spears (another oxymoron) believes her audiences come to see her,
rather than listen to her shaky voice. So she mimes every word in every context. She
drives the counter staff at her local supermarket crazy. But one of her concerts earn
her a place in the Guinness Book Of Records. When she rallies the crowd to join her on
Hit Me Baby One More Time, they come together to produce the quietest Three
minutes in music concert history.
6. Twilight 3 gets worst reviews since Paris Hilton's home movie
Like its predecessor, the third vampire movie is rushed out within a year before its
audience finishes puberty and rational thinking returns. The director, cast and crew
agree that the movie is crap. Even the runner who makes the coffee set said it's the
worst movie she's been involved with. And she made coffee on Jennifer Lopez's
movies. Twilight 3 goes on to break every box-office record. Jennifer Lopez asks to
appear in Twilight 4.
7. Revolutionaries refuse to upgrade cellphones
In a radical move compared to the storming of the Bastille and the cardboard white
elephants at Buangkok, people refuse to change or upgrade their cellphones. After the
two billionth iPhone application that allows me to find a blacksmith in a back alley of
Bangladesh. As I live in Bishan, this application is as useful as the GPS I downloaded
last year. I take the MRT to work and I can't drive. So the nonsense stops today. My
current phone is fine and doesn't require exchanging or upgrading. Wait, who are
these people in white coats?"
8. Balloon boy's family take flight
The fame-obsessed parents of balloon boy Falcon Heene will do anything to secure
the screen time in the United States and the public will do anything to get rid of them.
So producers please everyone by tapping into the "boy trapped in a balloon"hoax.
Inspired by Jules Verne, the mad family take to the skies in a reality TV show called
Around The World in 80 Years. They can't do any interviews until they return.
9. Michael Jackson impersonators outlawed
Let's now leave alone the legacy of a man who slept with other people's children.
Dressing up as a dead celebrity is not big and it's not clever. There is something
disturbing about a grown man painting his face white, grabbing his crotch and
shouting "sha-mon" on his days off. There have even been mass gatherings of
people re-enacting the Thriller video. They come together dressed like zombies
and drool, stagger and fall all over the place. What's the attraction? A group of
Londoners have been doing that for years. They're called West Ham United.
10. Tiger Woods' wife sleeps with US PGA Tour's top 15
Now that's what I call a fair way.
(: Benefit from reading the newspaper, you might just stumble upon some joke.
-Bird